We live in a culture of achievement where expectations and pressures are high; all of which can cause us to doubt our own success. We also live within a system that is teaching us how to act, think, and what certain ideologies of success or failure look like. In today’s episode, we look at certain societal stigmas, analyze success, and what is probably has already looked like in your life...or can look like.
Patrick Fitzgibbons is a retired Police Commander from Colorado with over two decades of experience in many different roles. He is also an adjunct college professor and enjoys teaching the next generation of criminal justice professionals. A former Army Paratrooper with the elite 82nd Airborne Division, Patrick is an avid supporter of active military members and veterans.
Patrick is a personal coach, speaker and is the host and creator of CJEvolution which is a top ranked criminal justice podcast. He is also the author of EVOLVE – A collection of Routines, Habits and Advice to Take Charge of your Life and Be your Best Self.
You can find Patrick here: www.cjevolution.com
The type of events and weddings that Katrina Hutchins plans are the ones you actually look forward to attending because it will be a visual experience. No details go unchecked for Katrina as she leads the planning and execution of the some of the most gorgeous events you will see or be part of.
Katrina joins the show to talk about her journey from our hometowns of Palm Harbor, FL to working as a consultant to high level hospital administrators to accomplishing her dream of starting this company. She found her passion and is helping others to create memories with picture-perfect events and weddings. Authenticity seems to be her 'secret sauce' to developing meaningful relationships with clients and families.
Katrina is a wife and mother of two boys and is based out of Charlotte, NC. She is also a Florida Gator and Michigan alumna. Find out more about her events by going to:
http://www.katrinahutchins.com/katrina/
Instagram: @KatrinaHutchinsEvents
When Matt Okerson started his custom, automotive, truck, and motorcycle shop years ago, he never dreamed he would be taking on a mentorship role for many of the people who work there. He has built a culture of relationships, faith, and stewardship as he interacts with all of his employees on a daily basis.
Matt is a US Army veteran, served in Iraq, and now owns one of South Florida’s largest custom shops. He describes the amazing culture at his shop as an ‘accidental culture’ because it became something he felt called to do. He is more than a business-owner, as he cares about the lives and well-being of all he works and comes into contact with. Communication is an essential piece of what makes he and his shop a huge success.
Find out more about Matt and CTM at www.ctm.life
Social Media: @ctm.life (Stuart, Florida)
Mr. Durnin contracted with NASA and the Department of Defense starting in the 1960’s and retired in 1992. Listen as he shares real stories related to the early launch days of the Apollo missions including the very sad fire that occurred with Apollo 1.
Chester shares how miscommunication led to some incidents that the media never found out about and walks listeners through the disciplined launch communication that must occur for a successful launch. He is still just as passionate as ever about the space program and believes we will soon have a person on Mars! My favorite line from this interview is his adamant belief that ‘the secret of the space program is communication’!
Former Mizzou QB and now author/speaker Alex Demczak joins me this week to discuss all things communication and leadership. Hear about his up-and-down time at Mizzou which led him to write his first book 'ThriveU' while serving his team mates in the process.
Alex believes in leading from the inside out and a stewardship responsibility to give away content and strive to help others achieve their personal and organizational best. He is a great storyteller who shares some personal examples of struggle, growth, and ultimate success.
You can find out more about Alex Demczak here:
Speaking: https://alexspeaking.com/
Podcast: https://alexspeaking.com/podcast/
No politics. No elections. Just fun this week. I tell two stories from different eras of life and the lessons that accompany each one. I felt this was a week where we needed to laugh a little bit.
What is the central component of each talk? You guessed it: communication. Learn about how I stood at the wedding alter with no money and a rental car my mom paid for and then how I had carpenter ants rain down on my head during our home renovation. Great stories from the past and some powerful lessons along the way.
So take a breather from election coverage and enjoy this week's episode.
We have reached the conclusion of our series on ‘Protecting the Family’ and it is time to review some of the most important moments and lessons from the past 13 episodes. One of the main lessons is that families cannot become complacent as they move through society and time. Life and people will evolve, so the collective family needs to maintain open lines of sustainable communication.
I talk about some of the most important episodes from this series and what the main take-aways are for our listeners. This is a great moment to take a breather as we transition between this and the next series. Next up is a series called ‘The Personal Into The Powerful’ where we will interact with a number of extraordinary special guests who have used communication to find immense success in their lives. The best is yet to come!
This week's episode dissects the results of the 6th Annual American Family Survey conducted by BYU. Over 3,000 Americans participated in the extensive survey, and the results are conclusive: despite the challenges of 2020, the American family is resilient.
The survey covered many items from faith, Covid, politics, and issues most affecting American families. Most of the results are split according to Republican, Democrat, and Independent results. While there may be gaps according to a family's political affiliation, the general conclusions show American families are ready for the challenges ahead and survived 2020 feeling stronger than ever.
Let's not invest in the doom and gloom; let's pick hope, faith, and love. We are in the 4th quarter of 2020 and the best is yet to come.
Actual 82-page survey:
Highlight Article:
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The year 2020 draws to a close, and we need to cherish our family traditions like no time before. These traditions help families to form a unique identity that works to bond everyone together. People feel a sense of comfort and security knowing they will be able to practice that tradition because it has become part of who they are.
Traditions are another nonverbal way to communicate to your family your love and respect for the group and specific activity. These family traditions create a sense of belonging, which many psychologists say, is just as important as food and water to a human being.
We want to feel part of a group, safe, secure, and full of joy. Family traditions check all those boxes when there is a collective belief to keep honoring them every year.
I found out recently that one of the No. 1 predictors of student success is the teacher’s and staff’s collective belief in that outcome. When people collectively believe they can make a change on attitude and morale, the results are extraordinary. This will be the major focus for a new school program I am helping launch through my work with Jon Gordon. Stay tuned!
So it encouraged me to think about a family’s collective belief. What if a family believed so much in their values, goals, and identity that they could withstand any storm that comes their way? Like schools, the results would be extraordinary.
A family needs to communicate with each other all their thoughts and beliefs on the little things that make-up a collective family. We need to be talking about individual and family goals as well as our non-negotiables and how we spend our time. Families will withstand stress so much better if they agree on how they handle these situations. They also have open communication as a main family value and it is openly talked about and discussed.
It may be time to do some self-analysis as well as family-discussion time on where you stand on communication, issues, anxiety, mental health and so much more. The bonding that can occur is immense and will significantly pay-off in the long-run.
I am trying to be more vulnerable and open in this podcast and with certain posts that I do in hopes that I fulfill the true mission of this podcast: turning the personal into the powerful. The relationship that I have with my father in non-existent and is the result of years of small incidents that led to apathy on both parties. Was there more both sides could have done? Probably. I can’t change what happened between us, but I can help educate others moving forward.
I called this the ‘Wake-up Call’ because it may be a time where you need to fix or address something with a family member. These family feuds often cut deep and can last decades. All that lost time. This may be a breaking point where you look up and say, ‘I am making that call today, and we are going to hammer this out.’ The consequence of not doing that is more kicking of the can down the road. Be the one who makes that call. Blood is blood and family is forever. There are things we can get over, forgive, and start moving toward the future.
This may also be a reminder to those of you who have good relationships with people not to ever lose them. If you maintain that open dialogue, you will have less of a tendency to spiral out of control. The issues happen when we let things pile up under a rug and eventually they blow. So use this as a reminder to keep relationships on the fore-front of the mind and always be pouring into them. Grace is such an amazing word to apply to family situations because there can be some combustible personalities. Sooner rather than later, conflict will arise, and your relationship will be put to the test.
I hope you have a chance to listen to the podcast this week as I truly hope to turn the personal into the powerful. Wake-up!
Healthy boundaries are not about closing you off from people or the world. It is about selectively letting people have access to you, your life, and your time. Our family system values spending time with each other, and I will often put up boundaries to others to protect that value. This is part of knowing what your priorities are!
When it comes to healthy boundaries, remember these important things below:
1) Just because you turn down a social invitation to a birthday party, night out, trip, get together…does not mean you are a recluse, anti-social family or person!
It’s finding a nice RHYTHM to your family and how you interact with others. Balance can often be an unattainable word because rarely does it come to fruition before things are out of balance again. When you find a rhythm to interacting with others, you are much more comfortable in saying no or yes.
2) No one in your household will know your boundaries if you never share them! Now, there are probably better ways of explaining some of these boundaries so it doesn’t seem like you just don’t like people. However, if you speak honestly, act genuinely, and from the heart, the right words will come.
You get to decide what your boundaries are, how high is your fence, how many gates are in that fence, and ultimately, what is best for your family and their collective mental health.
That’s what this series on ‘Protecting The Family’ has been about. Strengthening the family unit by talking about the things that matter and ways we can all get better.
Communication about boundaries helps everyone to be on the same page and to eliminate or at least hold down speculation that can occur with people in our lives. As a family, we have respectfully communicated what are our boundaries, we are consistent, and we stay in our lanes.
https://communicatetomotivate.libsyn.com/
https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/communicate-to-motivate/id1510785007?ls=1
Search ‘Communicate to Motivate’ on all podcast platforms.
We’ve been right in the middle of this sub-series ‘Under Pressure’ focusing on different members of the family. I have really enjoyed bringing in some guests for these last two shows, as their voices provide unique perspectives as a busy, high-performing and ultra involved parent. This week I focused on all that Dads have to deal with, and my special guest is Devin Shaw from Wesley Chapel, Florida. I went to high school with Devin’s wife, and we’ve connected over the past year because of a lot of common interests.
I led off the podcast with a statistic that really struck me and just shows how much our Dads need some attention in the communication and mental health arena. I found a survey of 1,287 working Dads that revealed that 72% feel emotionally and physically worn out. The studies goes on to say that a lot of very successful Dads in their careers feel defeated in parenthood because there is so much that can go wrong and lots of unknowns. So you have a very successful career Dad who beats himself up at home because of the mistakes or shortcomings of being a parent. This adds up to a recipe for anxiety and pressure.
Devin talks a lot about a symbiotic relationship with his wife and the system they have in place at home. Both members of their family work full time, high pressure health care jobs and have 3 kids under 6 on top of it. Their system and trust in each other is quite impressive to make sure everything gets done and there is room to spare. They each have their own outlets to discuss deeper feelings and have exercise time built in. They’ve also made it a priority not to care so much about other’s eyes in public. Kids are going to act up and are not always a reflection on parenting. Kids are simply put…unpredictable!
We both agreed that these next few lines from an article on AllProDad.com rings true in the life of fathers out there:
Anything can happen when you have kids. Literally, anything.
I do much better when I know what’s coming and how I’m going to handle it.
Kids are unpredictable. I can nurture, mold, and discipline my kids, but I can’t control their decisions or behavior.
I catch myself living in fear of how I will be perceived by what my kids do.
I live in fear of being confronted with situations as a parent where I have no idea what to do or say.
Our wise marriage counselor told us when we were expecting our first: when your baby is born, start letting go.
I realize now that I need to let go of more than just my kids. I need to let go of my fears and the need to control. Embrace the mess!
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Fatherhood is an amazing journey that will push you to the limits but at the same time be the most rewarding and enriching role ever. It is a roller coaster ride that I have enjoyed every step of the way. Like all of you, I work it, try to enjoy it, be a team with my wife, and love my kids unconditionally. We constantly COMMUNICATE because I want them to be MOTIVATED to do the same in the future.
If you want to contact Devin for more information on what he does, please email him dshawgc@gmail.com and follow on Instagram @dshaw13. In addition to being a nurse anesthetist, Devin is a Presidential Founder with Green Compass CBD. This is another opportunity to help manage stress and deal with anxiety in a completely organic way.
I had the special honor of having my beautiful and talented wife, Stephanie Van Allan, as my first ever guest on the podcast this week. Stephanie sets very high expectations for herself in all areas of life, and with that, can cause some pressure and anxiety to mount up. This week she had some pointed and honest things to say to all of our listeners, both Moms and Dads, about helping our mothers deal with the pressure of their roles and how communications plays a vital part to it all.
TRIGGERS
Stephanie mentioned she knows her ‘triggers’ for what can set her off or get under her skin with our kids. She has put plans into place to, first, recognize when one of her triggers has been activated, and then, second, shut it down, get ahead of it, or plan so it won’t happen again. If she knows she has to be out the door at a certain time, she may lay the kids’ clothes out a day earlier, make all the lunches, and get stuff already in the car. This will allow her not to get ‘triggered’ in the morning when the kids are dragging their feet! She already has her to do list done for the morning.
COMPARISONS
Moms love to compare themselves to others Moms. What are they doing? Should I do it like that? How did they learn that? Am I doing a better job than them or vice versa? She talks about staying in your lane and keeping your focus and energy on your own family. What successes can you celebrate as a family unit? Instead of worrying about what other Moms are doing, turn your focus inward on how you can be a better Mom on your own while giving yourself grace and turning off social media!
ME TIME
This was a big part of our discussion because our Moms need their own time too. Whether it be alone time, time with friends, or couple time, it is vital to keep the lines of communication open with these channels. Stephanie and I make it a priority to spend time together, talk to each other, take walks, date each other, and see our friends. These are some things we call our ‘non-negotiables’. She talks about the desire to eliminate ‘mom guilt’ and enjoy some personal time when it arises.
It is a real and true look at motherhood through the eyes of someone who doesn’t claim to have it all together (because who does) but is working at it, finding balance, and thriving in the process. Thanks for listening!
Things are much different nowadays! I tell friends, family, and audiences all the time that I am thankful my generation did not have to deal with social media when I was going through middle and high school. It just seems to add another significant layer to the pressure and anxiety on our children.
Starting out, our kids have to deal with a much more hyper-focused society on achievement. The Higher Education Research group asked incoming college freshmen if they feel overwhelmed by all they have to do. Nearly 41% of respondents said ‘Yes’ compared to 18% in 1985. In our current time, students have to deal with a world that can feel threatening and scary at times. Sure, every generation may lay a claim to this statement especially prior to 1985, but we are talking about here and now. With an increase in school and public shootings, in suburban and rural areas too, it is hard to feel safe anywhere we go. No doubt this breeds anxiety especially in the minds of our society’s youngest.
Additionally, the social media element is something that significantly stands out. Cyber bullying, image issues, and incompatible beliefs about what is right and what is wrong stand out as just a few issues that can plague our children. It may impact them so much that they don’t quite know how to express inner strive or who to express it with. Our childrens’ self-image may get lost in a very noisy world which is why we need to be encouraging them to explore all of their issues, talk them out, and be more connected to how they feel. There is a domino effect here and think about how powerful it is to have our kids be more connected to who they are and not to who their friends, society, or social media says they should be.
Parents need to be present, open, genuine, and ready to create to best atmosphere possible for healthy communication.
If you are in the average American family now, it always seems like there is something to do. This is just from an activity standpoint too. The kids may have extracurriculars, sleep-overs, projects due, and then some. Next, you add in all that the adults have to do and you may be filled with crazy, conflicting schedules that somehow we make all of it work.
All this busyness can lead to two things: pressure and anxiety. The anxiety may come from the fact that we struggle to keep up with the schedule, not be late, and fulfill all the obligations. The pressure may come from the fact that we feel like we HAVE to do everything. Every invite, every playdate, every sport, every event, we must RSVP yes, attend the event, and leave an impression while we are there. We may do this out of fear of appearance, loosing face, or some other insecurity. This will inevitable lead to…burnout.
The American Family during the year experiences peaks and valleys of busyness and leads to the question: Where does communication fit in? Do we just assume it will happen? Do we take it for granted? Do we leave it in the hands of technology which voids out emotion? A lack of communication is still communication, and we all need to do better.
One thing to try is analyzing your priorities and seeing what you can and cannot live without as a family. I like to think of my time as one big pie chart where each piece can flex in and out as we need. One of the biggest slices is time spent with each other that generates good communication. We eat dinner every night at our table with our two young boys. The goal is to show them this is what we believe normal to be in this household. Engaging in consistent, open, honest conversation is the absolute key. It must be consistent though or your family won’t take it seriously. Communicate enough where it becomes both second-nature and intentional in your household.
The whole goal of this podcast series is to PROTECT THE FAMILY. You can do this by starting now, no matter how old or young your kids are, with a firm foundation of consistent and intentional communication channels. So when stress and anxiety inevitably rear their ugly heads, your family stands ready to be resilient to it all.
I can probably sit here and name every one of my teachers since kindergarten if I really tried. I’ve always had a love for teachers and wanted to be the good student. School was something I worked very hard at and never took it easy. I always appreciated those teachers that had the same energy and wanted to make their classes into an experience. It’s a firm belief that our country’s teachers are some of the most creative and resilient people out there.
This is a sentiment I echo anytime there is an opportunity to speak with teachers. For as much praise as teachers do receive, they also have to deal with a plethora of other things the average worker does not. It is not an easy job and most teachers feel a calling into the profession; they have a genuine desire to love and help students. Odds are too, they had a teacher speak life into them along the way.
I know this first-hand because I recently had two speaking engagements this month with teachers. I asked the groups point-blank ‘how many of you are here because of a teacher’ and more than half of all the hands in the room went up. Teachers have an impact because they decide to be intentional about relationships and actions with their students. Just knowing the genetic make-up of our teachers gives me great amounts of hope for the upcoming school year which will be the most challenging to date.
Individual school districts have dealt with a lot over the years from active shooters, weather crises, and student protests but nothing like this climate which affects everyone. However, I am extremely inspired by the teachers I spoke with this month who seemed to have their minds in the right place. They told me they missed their students and wanted to be back in some shape or form. While they know the virtual environment and social distance regulations will be a huge challenge, they welcome it because that’s what they do. Teachers are our front-line problem solvers, creative geniuses, and shepherds of students. They have my trust in the new year, and collectively, they need all the support we can offer them.
I have been teaching Public Speaking and other communication courses in both online and in-person formats for over a decade. One of the biggest things I tell my student is: do the research. Let the research guide the message and become the foundation for which you build an argument.
I have tried to bring that same thinking into my podcasts as we explore various big picture communication topics and how they fit into my current series. Family Communication breeds much discussion and research because so many people want to get it right! If you listen to my weekly podcasts, you will see I make it a point to include some basic research as the basis for my claims and digressions. Most of the research is recent too making it more compelling.
Once again, the research is clear this time, storytelling in families works on many different levels. Social scientists see major connections between parents who intentionally talk with their children, tell them family stories, etc. and those children finding social and emotional success as they develop. These children are showing remarkable abilities to problem solve on higher levels, be creative, and reason better. They can see the links and patterns between items because that is how our stories are told.
Children listen more than we think especially when a parent tells a vibrant, personal story. These are different experiences from books and TV because a story forces the child to use their own imagination nearly 100% of the time. They also have to decode the nonverbals coming from the parents which is also an incredible skill to gain.
So use our current world, you current experiences as a family to springboard into stories from your childhood and even farther back than that. You will show your children they are part of something truly bigger than themselves. They are part of a family narrative that stretches time and generations, and they play a huge role in continuing the narrative. They matter and most importantly, their decisions will matter down the road.
I am a sucker for all things nostalgia. Some of my favorite movies include time travel because of the character’s ability to go back in time and see how things once were. If I were a time traveler, I think I would spend most of my time in the past seeing how we have grown as a race and as a society. However, I am the type of person who likes to know who I am and from where I came. This is important to me, and I hope it will become important in my own family.
Rumor has it that my great-great grandfather, Lieutenant Patrick Sweeney, witnessed the surrender of Robert E. Lee’s Virginia army at Appomattox Courthouse in 1865. This was one of the final battles of the Civil War that brought it to a welcome close. He was an officer for the Union in the Civil War and his regiment fought near Appomattox and remained there after the surrender. We have no proof he was there, but that’s what makes it a good story because it’s up for us to decide! Luckily for the Van Allan family, we have a family historian, my Uncle Pete, who has amassed many records dating back hundreds of years. We even have family land somewhere in the middle of Canada!
There are more stories like this on both sides of the family that allow you to feel connected to what psychologists call your ‘intergenerational self’. Many leading researchers on family dynamics point out how important it is for kids to know about their family history. This allows them to feel connected to something bigger than themselves; it is their family narrative. The research makes it clear that kids who know more about their family history are better able to deal with the stresses of everyday life. They know they have been part of a resilient line of family members who have passed that down to them.
When we help continue our family narrative, we plug ourselves into our own history that made us who we are. This allows us to better understand ourselves, not just as members of a family, but as individuals. We understand our personality better and why we have certain reactions. It’s so important to have a good handle on ‘the self’ because we feel grounded and rooted in something. Our family stories connect us through generations and maintain bonds with people we’ve never seen. However, their stories are real, their struggles are inspiring, and it feels good to know we are continuing their legacy of success.
