The Generational Family System

Our society is in a unique place with many different ideologies and viewpoints straining for attention and change. There is so much misinformation flying around that is makes it difficult to know what to believe and what to do. As a parent, it has been difficult shepherding my family through this time period. I am the type of person who craves and tries to reinforce structure and stability. Those are not two words I would use to describe our current situation. When things are off with certain people, it can breed anxiety. This can most definitely negatively affect communication skills because we don’t want to appear vulnerable. Are you the type of person who likes to give the appearance that you have your stuff together? I know I am.

From a family standpoint, the Van Allan’s have built a system of open and honest communication. Our discipline is rooted in communication, and I always want my kids to understand why their actions matter and that consequences do exist. Parents discipline their kids in so many different ways and ultimately people need to do what works best for their family as long as something worthwhile is being done. Poor decisions and actions should not go left unchecked. Our kids are smart and will pick-up very quickly the loopholes in our parenting.

A family system is often passed down from generation to generation. These common family personality traits would lead to tendencies for certain actions and ways of thinking. If certain personality traits make us into the controlling type, we will have an iron grip on our families and their actions. If certain personality traits make us subservient, then we will have a tendency to go with the flow and be ultra-compliant. Both of these examples have ramifications on how we lead and act inside our families. They have a way of creating our family system that will define who we are for this time period.

Of course family systems can change over the years depending on events that happen but rarely does our core change unless there has been a catastrophic shift somewhere. This week is all about making conversation and communication part of your family system because it can help protect the family in the long run. This will ensure open lines are always present because as society changes, new flares of anxiety will rise up when we least expect it. We need a system in place that will allow those parents and children an opportunity to talk with each other so we do not go inward and try to manage it ourselves. This new series on ‘The Family’ will open up difficult topics that we all need to spend time dealing with in our own families. In the short and long run, it will all be worth it.

Bringing It All Together Part 2: The Bridge

First off, thank you to those of you who have been reading, listening, and following along on this podcast journey. I remember starting out by saying there are millions of podcasts out there, and I wanted to position this one as a voice of authenticity. I truly want everyone to hone their communication skills so they can feel confident in all areas of their life. This is not just a tagline for the show, it is a way of life for me. The same can be said for taking the personal and turning it into the powerful. Our unique stories and perspectives, when shared with others, can influence and inspire them to work on personal development.

Everything is connected. If we work on personal development, our confidence levels may increase, and we feel good about ourselves. If we feel good, we want others to feel good. I hope you start in your own home and get your relationships right. Communication is the lifeblood of a relationship. It keeps the relationship moving and feeds all parts of it. Once the communication stops or is inconsistent, you will see things start to deteriorate. However, this can be completely preventable if both people in the relationship want it to improve and want to take it to the next level.

Every person is valued inside the relationship, and it is worth it to keep fighting to go the distance. No road to a long-lasting relationship is perfect, and it will be work. However, this kind of work puts the results right in front of you in the form of happiness. Don’t we want more of that in our lives? Who wants to come home and be unhappy? Who wants to go through life and not find joy? Who wants to look across the dinner table and see someone they are simply going through the motions with? That’s not living…it’s surviving.

Everything in this series will take time to implement, think about, and talk about with your relational partner. Even if things are going well, there is still room for improvement. You don’t have to create new issues to work on, but you can work on strengthening what you do right. I am not a believer in the status quo; I view myself as a change agent. There are always opportunities to grow, improve, and thrive. So when you think about your relationship, my hope is that you will thrive after listening to these podcasts. Thrive in a way that you will leave a positive legacy for your family to follow. Which brings us to our next series: The Family. Stay tuned!

Bringing It All Together Part 1

If you scroll back through the blog posts and podcast clips, we have covered a wide variety of topics related to communication skills inside of a relationship. Most of my friends and family are married, and I felt called to do the inaugural series on relationships. With a 50% divorce rate in this country, something has to be done. My home state of Florida averages 50,000 divorces per year which is good for 7th in the United States. These are eye-catching numbers that show we have issues with our relationships and families.

Now, one podcast and one blog post will not save a relationship but the intention has always been to seed plant. Even the best of relationships can use some fine-tuning as they evolve through the years. Couples that have been together for a very long time experience a wide range of events and experiences from births, deaths, houses, finances, kids, schools, and more. The innocent, wide-eyed love that started out evolves into a deeper, more personal relationship that sees two souls intertwined. Our identities almost become ingrained in the other person. This can be great but also brings about challenges.

If we lose our identity completely in the relationship, we may have a tendency to stop recognizing certain needs we have. When needs are not being recognized or met, conflict can arise. Some couples handle conflict very well and others hide from it. Some families put everything on the table, and others push it aside. As I said last week ‘Conflict is Good’ if done the right way.

The one, universal, absolute is that communication permeates the relationship. It envelopes it and is part of everything that happens or doesn’t happen. Even a lack of communication is still a form of communication. However, humans tend to get comfortable, hit the auto-pilot button, and coast on through life. How many of us are truly driven and motivated and see something through to the end? The same can be said for our relationships. How many of us are motivated enough to be vulnerable and put the relationship first? This means discussing core issues you both have with the right mixture of trust and comfort. This is when you see the relationship evolve to a point where both people are not just satisfied but thriving. You have then created new pathways in the brain for how you communicate with your partner and how you approach the relationship. Intentional actions force the brain to prioritize the relationship creating a deep desire and motivation to sustain it as long as possible.

Conflict is Good

Gordon Gekko in the hit 1987 movie, ‘Wall Street’ famously said, ‘Greed is Good’. I am trying to amend that speech 33 years later and say ‘Conflict is Good’. It helps us to clarify our positions, get some emotions and feelings out, and communicate at much deeper levels. When we engage in conflict, we normally get to the core of what is causing symptoms all around us.

Relationships are living, breathing entities and experience negative side effects and symptoms when it is off. Think about your own relationship. Maybe we ignored some personality quirks, swept under the rug some poor choices, and just chose not to address certain things that were said. While it’s true we shouldn’t fight every battle we find ourselves in, there must be some we engage in. It’s when we don’t engage that our ‘closets’ get full and the rug has a huge ‘bulge’ in it. Eventually, stuff will either come pouring out or trickle out one item at a time.

Too often in relationships, we start confronting one, simple issue and then 15 minutes later we find ourselves in the weeds, and we can’t remember how we got there. Someone brings up a past transgression, a past statement or comment that was made or tries to rehash a past argument that both parties thought had been dealt with. All of a sudden, we cannot remember what the original conflict was about. The relationship had ignored months and years of things and eventually it catches up with you.

Every person inside of a relationship has needs and those needs must be met to avoid major conflicts. Every need that goes ignored leads to a build-up that will eventually result in a conflict. The key is ongoing maintenance of each other’s needs as to avoid major meltdowns. Saying ‘Conflict is Good’ only works if it is done effectively and leads to personal and relational growth. It also only works if both people are on the same page about dealing with issues. Just remember that it all goes somewhere if healthy conflict does not occur.

Healthy conversations that cover a variety of issues related to the relationship will help deal with major conflicts before they occur. Should you find yourself engaged in some type of conflict, use it as an opportunity to understand the needs of your partner better and to discuss your own. Listening more than you speak, asking questions, breathing, and taking a break if need to. Remember, once harsh words are said they can never be taken back. Conflict is indeed good but only if you want it to be.

The (Not So) Hidden World of Nonverbal Communication

The hidden world of nonverbal communication is actually not so hidden if you just know what to look for. It is a system inside of our body that permeates into every area of our lives even when we are alone. We can read an article, see someone on TV, or read a post on social media and literally turn our nose up at what we see. Some of us may scoff to ourselves, roll our eyes, or deliberately change the channel or keep scrolling. Everything sends a message of our displeasure. It can work the exact opposite way as well if we see something or someone we like.

There are many areas of nonverbal communication that we do not realize we are bringing into our relationships. We love our partners and families and still try to maintain some assemblance of individuality. We still try to maintain our own emotions, wants, needs, and desires all while managing our partner’s as well as those around us. Sometimes that can become a burden causing our emotions to leak out via nonverbal communication. Nearly 93% of communication is nonverbal showing us the power it has. This emotional leakage can come in the form of sighs, eye roll, exasperated looks, turning away of the body, and so much more. As Julius Fast says ‘the body doesn’t know how to lie’.

Call it a cry for help or an intense, internal desire to communicate, but our nonverbals show our true colors, feelings, and emotions. Relational partners can use this information to open up new communication channels that were previously shut down or misinterpreted. Instead of being offended by what nonverbals signs we see with our partner, we can change our perception. Instead we can see them as an opportunity to engage with our partners on what is going on in their world. This does not have to always be done verbally though. It may be helpful to have a conversation if the context requires one, but the most powerful message we can send back may be nonverbally.

If I am at a party of large social gathering causing some social anxiety, instead of my partner questioning why I am behaving a certain way or criticizing my actions or moods, a simple hug, holding of the hand or light smile can change the direction of those interactions. Nonverbals have the power to change the trajectory of a moment with one or a few interactions. Sometimes what isn’t said is actually the most powerful.

Are You Part of a Great Team?

The Team

We have seen some sports teams amazing teams in recent memory. Everything from undefeated records and dynasties to underdogs and heroic comebacks. There has been so much written about the power of teamwork in the sports and corporate arena, and many of these concepts can be applied directly to your family and partner. We marvel at our teams on the field and court and travel hundreds and thousands of miles to see people play. Are we marveling at our own work in our households with our relational partner? You may be in a relationship and may have a family but it doesn’t mean you have a great team.

This is where the new era can begin for you and your partner. The idea of looking at your partner as your teammate eliminates the need for power and the structure of hierarchy. It gives everyone an equal voice in talking about issues related to the relationship and to the family. As the podcast on listening stated, people want to be heard, feel valued, and be understood. When couples apply all the concepts from this podcast series on relationships, they can’t help but become a team. They will become more unified, experience a stronger sense of trust, greater intimacy, and more feelings of happiness and fulfillment.

Santos Marriage and Family Counseling said that the two main goals of a relationship are happiness and fulfillment. All great teams and relationships know that you cannot accomplish those goals if each person in the relationship is focused on individual needs and goals. Additionally, these goals can derail if both members of the relationship engage in negative talk toward their partners. If one person constantly hears about flaws, areas of improvement, and other negative things, they cannot help but become negative inside. We become what we are emotionally fed. When we focus on lifting our partner up while encouraging and believing in them, we will experience a fresh sensation of teamwork that will continually bond you to the other person.

Teams do a great job of leaving a legacy for other teams to follow. We’ve seen many sports team gain inspiration by looking to their past, hanging championship banners, and soaking in the experience of veteran players. Couples and families who are a unified team leave a legacy for their children to emulate down the road. Our children never miss a beat and become a product of their environment. Everything from language to how they see parents deal with conflict and issues will leave lasting imprints on them when they have their own households. Couples should be committed to the process of being a team, stand in the face of adversity, remain consistent and realize their actions have long-lasting ramifications.

The Value of Time

I am a nerd for all things communication and when I came across the term ‘Chronemics’ in one of my textbooks, I knew it was something in which we all needed to pay more attention. Chronemics is the study of time and how one perceives it, uses it, and reacts to it. It has more to do than just someone running late or being on-time as it cuts deep to our core as people and as a society.

Many countries and regions across the world can be described as monochronic or polychronic when it comes to how they see time. Parts of East Asia, Latin America, Africa, and Arab countries are classified as polychronic. These groups tend to be very relationship-driven and can focus on many different tasks at once. It is normal in these cultures to be late and no one takes it personally as time is merely a guide. You’ll see strong relational and community bonds in these regions where storytelling and goal setting are popular.

In the US, UK, Germany, Japan and Canada, these would be classified as monochronic cultures. There is an intense focus on the schedule, getting things done, results, privacy, and practical relationships. There is a lot of linear thinking and people are expected to be on-time and respect the clock. These folks are relationship-driven as well as long as they serve a purpose in the long-run.

There are exceptions to every rule and even people within these cultures will switch to the other side. Monochronic cultures became that way as a result of industrialization, business, and the bottom line. America was born as an expansion colony that spread its wings from coast to coast. America continues to be the world leader in business, Hollywood, and culture. We are always keen to take-in one thing and then move on to another thing. Many monochronic people can function like this by compartmentalizing their behaviors, actions, and even interactions. On the flip side, polychronic cultures often have a deeply-rooted history where humans had to focus on the seasons, planting and weather. This causes a ‘go with the flow’ attitude and a willingness to take in many stimuli at once and still function effectively.

The point to all of this is that chronemics and time go deep. Just like they reveal so much about a culture, they can reveal a plethora of information about yourself and your relational partner. How we view and see time cuts to our core and is usually a direct result of our environment. Couples can use this information to dive deeper with their partners to better understand who each person is and why they might act or think a certain way. This opens up a whole new world of meaningful conversation and relational satisfaction.

Are You Listening?

The human brain continues to be a fascinating organ to study, and scientists are still revealing new pieces of information to help us comprehend…ourselves. Consisting of 100 billion neurons and 100 trillion synapses and capable of nearly 1,000 basic operations per second, the brain is our life force and the key to who we are. It also happens to be one of the main reasons why you are good at listening or you are not.

The average human speaks about 120-150 words per minute. This should be a great rate for someone with regular processing abilities to understand and retain some of the information. Poor listening comes into play because the brain can handle so much more than what we are giving it. The brain can actually handle closer to 500 words per minute. Only three people in recorded history have shown they can speak this fast, with the Guinness Book of World Records showing the record holder at 655 words per minute! For the rest of us, this leaves a massive gap, called Spare Brain Time, where anything can happen.

When our brain has room to maneuver while listening to a story or lecture, it can lead to daydreaming or letting our thoughts drift to something else. The brain requires a lot of stimulation to make-up that spare brain time gap in order to show it that the information is salient to our lives. This fact shows us that intentional and active listening is the key to staying engaged in the conversation or communication context. It has to be a coordinated effort to stay locked-in, or we run the risk of our spare brain time getting the best of us.

The key is to ask paraphrasing & clarifying questions back to the talker during the listening process. We should be analyzing as we go, mentally reviewing the information, and taking notes depending on where we find ourselves. It takes an immense amount of effort to fully listen and not give into the hundreds of different thoughts that may enter our brain as we attempt to listen.

The good news is that, like much of communication, listening is a learned skill that can be worked on and strengthened over time. It’s a skill that when effectively used can help you to show genuine empathy and understanding toward the person you are engaging with. You can gain a deeper sense of their message by honing in on nonverbals and feel mutual connection in the long-run. Plus, aren’t some of you tired of your partner saying ‘you don’t listen!’ Once again, intentionality is at the heart of showing your brain that the person and information are worth it.

The Comparison Factor

Check out the newest episode of Communicate to Motivate!

The hit-show ‘Fear Factor’ in the early 2000s lasted six seasons and was a ratings hit for the NBC network. The show aimed to be a direct competition for CBS’s cultural phenomenon show called ‘Survivor’. TV viewers in the early 2000s sat on the edge of their seats (myself included) to see what each contestant would do next. With Survivor, the winning contestant won $1 million dollars, and Fear Factor earned you $50,000 for completing all the disgusting, insane acts. Whether it was eating bugs, crawling through rats, or some combination of both of those things, we all sat there debating and wondering: would I do that?

The internet came alive in the late 90s and started to really grow up in the early 2000s. We didn’t quite have social media yet but AOL profiles and chatrooms became the breeding grounds for Facebook’s eventual release in 2003/2004. Suddenly, more eyes were on our individual lives, decisions, and interests. We enjoyed seeing what others were doing in their lives and how they expressed themselves; thus creating a mild addiction to going online. We became connected like never before, and the ramifications had only begun.

First, the world of modern day social media…is…not…real! Couples will post their best, most perfect selfies. Families will show off their best smiles in the best lighting with a great caption. Friends will showcase amazing vacation photos that indicate a perfect trip. Some of us will browse various newsfeeds with jealousy on our hearts wondering why our lives are not like what we see online. Here is where the new habit and process begins.

It’s easy just to sit here and say ‘well, just don’t do it’ but we all know that is not practical. The better solution is to train our brains, as individuals, couples, or families, to not give fuel to those comparison thoughts. We can celebrate the fact that other people’s lives are different than ours without wanting those other lives. If that means limiting screen time on newsfeed, then so be it; but the priority should be more on self-control and thought-control, then on limiting social media.

The bigger issue may be why a couple keeps comparing themselves to other people in their lives. Why are their eyes constantly darting outside the relationship and seeing how they stack-up against other couples? In this case, it is best to look internally and diagnose what we need to fix as a couple so we don’t just become happy and content, but we thrive and progress. The world so desperately wants to add pressure and control to our lives, so couples need to prioritize their thinking. We need to be thinking about what we’re thinking about.

Life shouldn’t be a competition like Fear Factor or Survivor but, instead, be a place where we can show genuine appreciation and support for another’s accomplishments and goals. We can be the ones who change the direction of conversation and simply, stay in our lanes.

Check out the Communicate to Motivate podcast on ALL platforms. Here are some sample links below:

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/communicate-to-motivate/id1510785007

https://podcasts.google.com/?q=communicate%20to%20motivate

The Most Important Phase of a Relationship

I may be in the minority with housecleaning duties, but I enjoy maintaining a clean, clutter-free home throughout the week. I’ve adopted the ‘clean-as-you’ go mentality, especially while cooking, which helps dirt and dishes not to pile-up. There is actually some mental satisfaction and stress-relief in my brain from the act of cleaning and ‘picking-up’ and seeing the final product. Surely many of you are annoyed reading about our family’s cleaning habits. However, the more we start to look around at our world, the more we notice all the things that need ongoing maintenance.

Just like we wouldn’t drive a car without an oil change, let a month go by without cleaning our homes (eeek!), or forget about taking out the trash each week, maintenance is essential to our personal property operating efficiently. Relational maintenance falls into the same essential category if we want to operate at optimal levels as a couple or as friends. The question is: how many of us actually have intentional, deeper conversations or feel motivated to do so?

Remember, an intentional, deeper conversation does not need to re-examine the meaning of life but rather focus more on core issues of your friends and significant others. Think about it in terms of addressing the emotional needs of you partner. If someone comes to you annoyed about work issues or something happening in society, we can take a deeper dive and see if there are any deeper, personality issues that are causing the annoyance. I do not believe people are born negative or whiney no matter what some parents may say about their kids (myself included). Normally there is a need not being met or something that goes against someone’s self-identity, core value or personality. This is the entry point into a more fulfilling conversation that hopefully goes past the surface level issue.

Some couples like to schedule relational maintenance conversations or even dates so they assure themselves of the moment. With others, the scheduling may not be as feasible, so the moments need to happen more organically but perhaps less frequently. No matter the state of your relationship, if there is one phase to prioritize it would be maintaining the relationship. When we deal with nagging emotions, pains, traumas, and core issues, they will not have time to fester and become larger issues than they actually are perceived to be. The relationship will be in a better place because the trust levels will increase. We crave being our total selves with our relational partners and, to some extent, our friends. Maintenance allows that happen and gives you a fighting chance at going the distance.

The Power of Conversation

In the latest episode of ‘Communicate to Motivate’ we dive deeper into our series on Relationships

We have all seen great teams come together and execute textbook plays that result in a game-changing score. Group dancers grace our screens and stages with fluid and organic movements that makes it seem as if they are connected as one. It’s just like the perfect-tasting, non-burnt, melt-in-your-mouth Thanksgiving meal that could never be repeated even if you tried a hundred times. When a connection is present, it feels euphoric and can change us to our core.

In addition to the admittedly sensationalized list above, I want to add two people engaging in an interactive conversation to that list. Think back to moments in your life where you walked away from an amazing conversation with an emotional high that seemed to last forever. A conversation that you thought about hours and days later that motivated you to action. The action could have been to take the next step in a business, to further a relationship, or to make a decision that would change your current trajectory. Meaningful conversations not only stick with you, they can change you internally.

I read an article recently on ‘The Neuroscience of Conversations’ by Nicklas Balboa & Dr. Richard D. Glaser and was fascinated by the latest research on communication. The two psychologists reasoned that a deep, meaningful conversation has the power to change the brain that either allows you to open up to healthy, trusting conversation or close you down so you speak from fear, caution, and anxiety. They continued by mentioning how intentional conversations can change your brain chemistry by increasing hormones and neurotransmitters which stimulate body systems. This change in brain chemistry does not just last for the moment but can last for a lifetime.

These internal changes to our brains and bodies motivate us to seek out more conversation and pour into these strong emotional needs that are inside all of us. However, none of this is possible unless we make the commitment to effectively communicate with the people in our lives. Conversation style and communication methods are a choice, and now we realize that these choices can have lasting impressions on peoples’ brains, personalities and subsequent actions.

If you have spent years cultivating relationships with friends, families, significant others, etc. then continue the investment in the conversation arena. These moments should include deeper sharing, organic interactions, and less me and more of them. Focus on the other person by asking questions: try not to relate their words, experiences, and stories back to something in your life, but rather try pealing back their layers one at a time. Great teams can be 11 players on the field working together for a touchdown or two people sitting on a couch, with an open bottle of wine, and a conversation that takes you deep down inside both.

The Communicate to Motivate podcast is available on ALL podcast platforms.

https://communicatetomotivate.libsyn.com/

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/communicate-to-motivate/id1510785007

https://www.google.com/podcasts?feed=aHR0cHM6Ly9jb21tdW5pY2F0ZXRvbW90aXZhdGUubGlic3luLmNvbS9yc3M%3D

Self-Disclosure & Interactive Conversations

Communication is the lifeblood of any relationship because it allows the partners to connect on an emotional level which is the deepest of all. Our emotions can cement us to other people, memories, and experiences. However, the only way we can achieve such levels of connection is through an intentional process called self-disclosure.

This episode of Communicate to Motivate focuses on a core element of relationships: being vulnerable and sharing information with your partner. Social scientists would define self-disclosure as gradually revealing feelings and personal experiences in conjunction with reciprocal sharing. This allows for a greater level of understanding and a stronger level of trust between partners. The process works similarly with friendships and work relationships just with varying levels of self-disclosure. Jane from accounting does not need to know about your personal feelings on the death penalty.

Self-disclosure allows both people in the relationship to reveal truths about themselves, which hopefully leads down a path to their core and true essence of their personality. We are a mixture of past events and experiences. These shape our personality and mold us into the people we have become today. Some experiences are positive and uplifting, and others we wish we could forget; but each part is a chapter in our story. We need to allow our romantic partners into the parts of our life we have kept closed for quite some time so we can connect like never before. We can also allow friends into deeper parts of our personality and self without going as far as our significant others. The point is that mutual sharing happens past superficial, everyday conversation topics.

With divorce rates holding steady at 50% in this country, self-disclosure can be a positive way to save relationships. There is no doubt we may be physically attracted to someone but the emotional attraction will allow the relationship to flourish for decades to come. We need more open and honest communication (free from judgment and critique) so people truly ‘see’ the core of the person they are spending their lives with. Check out the newest episode on Self-Disclosure on all your podcast platforms.

The Need to Connect

Nearly two months ago, I was standing on stage in front of 300 people, staying at a hotel, going in the hot tub, shaking hands, and living in our previous normal. Almost one-week later, everything had changed. The first ever episode of ‘Communicate to Motivate’ centers on the current need and desire to connect. With social distancing orders in effect due to the coronavirus pandemic, I look at how people have the genuine, innate pull to connect with others and be part of relationships.

If you look at the human body from a systems and cellular perspective, we are biologically programmed to communicate. Cells and neurons work by communicating with each other and thus motivating the system or process to function. Everything about our bodies and brains shows us that we are meant to be in relation to others in order to learn and grow as human beings. We take our cues from our surroundings and the people around us. So when all of a sudden we can no longer be around people, even temporarily, that need inside of us still remains.

Social media and the internet have helped to satisfy that need even before social distancing went into effect. Facebook reports over 2.5 billion total users (the world alone has 7.8 billion people) and amazingly enough, over 500 million people check the app every few hours. That need to connect gets satisfied by accessing Facebook or whatever social media service we are programmed to use. Social distancing has forced nearly everyone online. Many individuals and groups are sharing amazing amounts of free content like fitness workouts, songs, speeches, art, motivation, prayer, and more.

There did not seem to be any hiccups with the connection part of life, only transitions with how we did it moving from in-person to virtual. Soon will come a time when society 2.0 debuts and we learn how to re-connect in person while maintaining some of the traditions we started while staying at home. If anything, these experiences prove how much we really do need people and connections in our life to help us feel whole. This episode dives into all this and more.  

http://communicatetomotivate.libsyn.com/

Diving In

Many would say 850,000 is a very large number, and they would obviously be correct. It’s hard to stand out when there is that many of anything. That is also the number of active podcasts available for download today, producing nearly 20 million episodes. As one headline put it, ‘Podcasting has gone main-stream’.

I’ve long felt the need and desire to have my own unique voice, and I finally answered the call earlier this year. As a professional speaker and trainer for the past 12 years, I am no stranger to developing content and being in front of people. Podcasting provides an opportunity to interact with people on a larger scale. I realize that it’s time for me to stop holding back and to start producing valuable and relevant content for listeners to hear and incorporate into their everyday lives. This is why I’m excited to announce the official podcast of Van Allan Communications: Communicate to Motivate.

The goal is not to stand atop the almost 1 million podcasts vying for your attention, but rather to try to be one that is personal, real, genuine, and one of the first to combine the elements of communication and motivation. The goal is produce content that can save marriages, expand relationships, get people out of their slumps, impact businesses, and propel schools and organizations forward. This show will include personal stories and experiences and combine them with communication topics. At the end of each episode, take-away messages will be designed to get listeners to act.

Communicate to Motivate is built on the principle of action by asking listeners to commit to listening and to put the take-away messages into practice. The content will help to build more sustainable communication strategies so listeners can feel more motivated in all areas of life. Expect episodes to last between 10 and 15 minutes. This will give listeners plenty of intriguing content packed into a short time commitment.

So while 850,000 podcasts is quite the library, Communicate to Motivate will begin to positively impact people one person at a time with relevant and personal content. Better communication and more motivation are universal needs that most people can agree on needing improvement with in order for a better quality of life. It’s time to make the personal into the powerful.

Apple

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/communicate-to-motivate/id1510785007

Google Podcasts

https://podcasts.google.com/?feed=aHR0cHM6Ly9jb21tdW5pY2F0ZXRvbW90aXZhdGUubGlic3luLmNvbS9yc3M&ep=14

Google Play Music

https://play.google.com/music/m/I4zzapxqut667v6db3ombbtjuae?t=Communicate_to_Motivate

Spotify

https://open.spotify.com/show/5Jsi7aKmBKXjHCJul5dnbJ

PocketCast

https://pca.st/8njxlcjb

Castbox

https://castbox.fm/app/castbox/player/id2828631?v=8.21.1&autoplay=0

Listen Notes

https://lnns.co/rYpq8XD92tg

LibSyn Podcast Host Site

http://communicatetomotivate.libsyn.com/

IHeartRadio & Pandora coming soon !

RIP Kobe & Others

I’ve spent some time listening, reading, and just taking in all the sports commentary and posts I’ve seen online in recent days following the tragic accident that killed Kobe Bryant and 8 others Sunday afternoon.

I can’t remember in my lifetime a loss like this of a person that has brought so many people out to share thoughts, feelings, emotions, etc. I’m not a huge NBA fan, but I always admire greatness, and anyone who can win 5 titles and have a work-ethic like Kobe will most certainly inspire a generation.

The biggest thing that stands out to me is the sheer amount of people who have come out and talked about how precious life really is and how we are not guaranteed tomorrow. One radio host said upon reading the news, he immediately went downstairs and hugged both of his kids and kissed his wife.

We are not promised tomorrow. There are some people in our life we think will always be there or we think nothing can happen to us. All we can do is learn to forgive, not take people for granted, and develop the best relationships possible.  

We know Kobe was not the only person on that helicopter and anytime children pass too soon is a punch to the gut. I laid in bed and prayed over both my sons Monday night asking God to protect them, keep them safe, and keep me in their lives.

I heard radio host Evan Cohen talk about how this event puts life into perspective. We often have so much worry in our lives especially about little things which can cause so much anxiety in ourselves and families. He mentioned how every person on that helicopter would take all those worries to be alive again.

Let’s stop and appreciate every person in our life and everything going on around us. Be present…engaged…feel the moment (not record the moment). We are not promised tomorrow so instead of waiting to tell someone you love them or taking them for granted…make their day & tell them now, text someone, reach out any way you can and enjoy every precious moment with your family. Of course, if you’re already doing that…keep it going as you are in inspiration to us all. Every tear, every tantrum, every problem, every worry can be solved or somehow managed but most of all…you are alive & you are breathing.

Maya Said It Best!

People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Everything we do in this life leaves a lasting impression wherever we are. The difference is some impressions leave others flattened and others fill them with a spirit of trust and relationship.

I am thinking back to all my teachers I had growing up from kindergarten through high school and beyond. Of course, I cannot remember everything that was said to me over the course of decades, but I know if I see one that made a positive impression, I am filled with positive emotions…and the other way is true too! Words and actions pave the way for emotions and it is the emotions that stay stored in our brains.

Use this and remember this when you interact with the people in your lives. Too many negative interactions or even apathy toward people can leave imprints on people. These imprints turn into the perception they have about you and can affect the relationship one way or another.

Remember Maya’s words and let them live inside you and guide you in your interactions. Be well!

Different

Kramer! You know him as this love-able, eccentric character from the (in my opinion) greatest TV show of all-time. I've always loved the wit and relevance of this show as even 20 years later the social commentary the show provided still rings true.

My 'Word-of-the-Week' is 'Different' because I decided I needed to do something different back in 2006. The organization Cicerones attracts UF students who act as ambassadors to the campus by attending fundraising events, meeting with recruits, and giving campus tours. Normally, well over 800 students apply and they take about 50 each year. As I was sitting in a group circle before my interview they had each student go around and say what their talent was. Everyone was giving their 'run of the mill' talent like singing, dancing, etc. When it was my turn, I looked at the group leader and said 'I can act like Kramer from Seinfeld' After their persistence, I did my little routine and they said I had to do that for my interviewers.

I surprised my interviewers with my Kramer routine by sliding in the room and doing some of his sayings and then continued with the interview. Out of all the interviews that day, the lead interviewer who would go on to become my mentor in the organization, said they remembered mine the best. Kramer for the assist!

Think about all the marketplaces we find ourselves in. Jobs, social media, business, schools, leadership, etc....so many people and voices so how are you standing out? What is your unique voice saying? Use your personality and know your audience....make them remember you!

Intentionality

You may have seen a video from me earlier this week talking about ‘Intentionality’ and the value it can have on your lives. My ‘One Word’ to focus on for 2019 is Forward, and I entered into this year knowing I wanted to do more. This had to be a year I stepped up in the speaking and training world and really put my voice out there. Believe it or not…that is not easy for me to do. Unless I have a stage or audience, I am not the one to speak up in a group. I like to think of myself as ‘quality over quantity’. I’ll never be the life of a party, but I definitely make an effort to have more personalized, one-on-one conversations with people.

 The point is that change takes work. How many of us are willing to actually put in the work? As we get older, we realize there are certain personality traits that have changed or been added. Some of us throw our hands up and say ‘This is just who I am’ and others say ‘I’m going to actively work on this’. Which group do you fall into?

 This adventure of life is not easy as we learn to navigate a world that can make us feel very anxious at times. Intentional actions must involve you taking what you want to do and moving it from the subconscious to the conscious where you think about it and train your brain to recognize certain triggers you may have…almost like an outer-body experience. When you cross this line, you have reached intentional thought and start to change patterns of behavior. This is going to take work, it won’t be easy, and you’ll probably fail many times….just the reality of the situation. However, the brain will recognize that you are trying to install new behaviors and slowly those will take over. Be persistent because we are our own worst enemy sometimes when it comes to change.

My pleasure!

Whose hungry? I travel a lot for speaking and training and no matter the hour at the airport, Chick-Fil-A has a line. Six restaurants surround the Chick-Fil-A in the Atlanta airport with a minimal line, but Chick-Fil-A will always be 15-25 people deep. The car line is usually full at our local one in Stuart, Florida, and people had meltdowns when they had to temporarily close for renovations last summer. So is the food that good there or is there something else? My money is on a little of both.

Kendra Cherry, author of ‘Everything Psychology’ writes that “there is some compelling evidence that shows consumers use emotions rather than information to evaluate brands. Emotions also create deeper and more visceral impressions that have impact on long-term memory.” I would also add that we allow companies we emotionally-associate with more grace than others. If they mess up, we can forgive and still return there later. In order for a company or brand to gain your emotional support that takes time and a lot of trust.

Readers can associate this post with any number of brands and even schools/organizations. If parents feel an emotional attachment to a school or district, they may be more willing to invest their time in volunteering, donations, and spreading positive messages about the school. However, schools and brands have to communicate to their audiences to gain this attachment. This starts with everything from the hiring process to the product to the culture of the establishment. Everyone has to buy-in to the mission and be willing participants in a positive culture. If people are spending their time and money at a place, they want to feel taken care of, heard, and catered to. We have so much choice now with retail, restaurants, and even schools (with charter and private schools appearing more) that brands need to be communicating more than ever to gain an emotional attachment.

You’ll see smiles, hear the words ‘my pleasure’ and be given $5 gift cards if your food is a tad bit late coming to your table at Chick-Fil-A. They have a mission to be good stewards to the community and are rewarded with unbelievable loyalty to their brand. A definite recipe for long-term success.